My friend Melissa caught this picture of me at our friends wedding. There was this big, beautiful field. The sun was slowly beginning to set. and I stood there, wind blowing through my hair and skirt, and took it all in. I’d hoped to invite a very special boy to this wedding, and had a few moments of feeling really empty as I kept realizing that not only was he not there, but he’d completely cut me out of his life.
Throughout this whole messy process of wading through the heart-pollution of someone rejecting my friendship, I’ve been really frustrated with myself. A couple of months back, my friend Al was in town. Back when the wound was still fresh. Between hugs, Allen told me, “You’re Stephanie. You’ve had your heart broken by a boy. And you’re going to survive.” He told me it was okay for me to feel all of the feelings I was feeling.
When iTunes radio had a first play station of his new album and I heard the song “Where You’re At,” I broke down in tears. I’ve claimed the words “keep your dirt on the surface and just love where you’re at” at the forefront of my mind ever since I first heard the song a month ago.
Sometimes I still get frustrated by my feelings, and I usually listen to this song and let myself cry out whatever random storm is passing through my life. I embrace all of my emotions – I embrace how desperately I want to send him a funny video, how mad I am for being so unkind, how loved I’ve felt in the wake of how he’s treated me, and how hopeful I am for whatever God is going to do with this mess.
Every day I shed a little more of the heavy feelings. Whenever I get frustrated that I still care at all, my friends remind me that when I feel anything, I feel it to the depth of my being. At our women’s tea, my pastor said that when I love, I love deeply… sometimes to my own detriment. Don’t worry, I cried about that one.
This is my theme song. My quiet little anthem for the days I kind of wish I could have left a mean note on his car or left 1-star reviews of his business or told everyone who knows him all that he’s done. But that’s not what a good woman does, right? 😉 Nor is it what I do. Instead I pick gentle anthems that help me treasure the tension.
I hope this song helps you embrace your messy.
I keep my dirt on the surface, so you don’t gotta dig.
The people that make me nervous try to hide all their sins.
and I’ve got no reason to cover my tracks.
The best part of learning is just loving where you’re at.
I wear my sins on my collar so everyone can see.
There ain’t no bother in spreading rumors about me.
I ain’t no angel, but I ain’t so bad.
The best part of learning is just loving where you’re at.
So love where you’re at.
love where you’re at.
Keep your dirt on the surface.
and just love where you’re at.
