The first “not enough.”

These days, I don’t feel like I’m ________ enough. Insert whatever word of your choice and it will probably apply.

When people don’t call me
When people don’t invite me places
When people don’t send me letters I know they’ve written
When people don’t like my stories
When people don’t jump on board my ideas,

I don’t feel ________ enough.

That’s where I live now. I live in Apt 307; Notenough, CA.

Last Thursday I went to a Bible Study lead by Rob Birks in San Francisco. I don’t remember the context of what I’m about to write, just that I remember it. At some point Rob talked about how Jesus alone can save us. He said that he loves his wife very much {and he does. I do too.} and that she is wonderful and all of these great things.. but she cannot save him. She cannot offer him eternal life and salvation. and he warned us about looking for that in relationships. Not just romantic ones, but in any-ones.

and that’s hit me, especially in the midst of my season of not-enough. Did you see my list of reasons why I don’t feel like I’m enough? It’s “when people” don’t see me as enough.

But God says I am enough. He said I was enough back before I knew him and loved him, because the Word says that while I was still a sinner Jesus Christ died for me.

The second “not enough.”

When I get to this “I am not enough” place, what I really am in reality saying is “God, you are not enough.” After hearing the great things he’s done for me, the promises he’s made me, the place in heaven he’s prepared for me… I still need more. It is not enough for me to know that God delights in me; I want people to laugh at my jokes, too. It is not enough that Christ died for me; I want people to send me random greeting cards, too. I need people to love me and to want me, and God’s love and want for me doesn’t satisfy.

All day I’ve been thinking about that.

Am I content with just myself and God? Today I finished reading Francis Chan’s book Crazy Love and was touched so much by this:

“Have you ever met someone who was utterly and desperately in love with Jesus? I have. My wife’s grandma Clara.

I spoke recently at Grandma Clara’s funeral, and I could honestly tell the mourners gathered that I had never known anyone more excited to see Jesus. Every morning Clara would kneel by her bed and spend precious hours with her Savior and Lover; later in the day, just the sight of that corner of her bed would bring joy-filled tears and a deep anticipation of the next morning spent kneeling in His presence.”

I want that. I want Him to be enough.

and I want to be enough. and I know the two go hand in hand – in order for me to satisfy my enoughness, I must submit myself to His.

It is easy for me to say “God loves me,” because the Bible says over and over again that God is love and God loved the world and so on and so forth. But today I’m choosing to believe from here on out that God also likes me. I bring him joy and he enjoys His time with me, even when I don’t feel I can bring him enough.

What’s that one saying?

When I am weak, He is strong.

When I am not enough, He is.

{lyrics: Chris Tomlin, Enough.}